Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
incredible text to wake up to
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!