Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
The Joker was right
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.