Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
This 4th of July, please remember…
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower