I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
😂😂😂
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”