Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
when mom throws a party…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.