what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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sigh
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
CRYING
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Just me?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.