i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Why is this me 😫
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
This could be us… but you playing
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school