Me trying to “trust the process”
You Might Also Like
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Good morning
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.