boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
lmao
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.