Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
im 7 sauces long
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.