“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far