6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You Might Also Like
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.