PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.