Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.