My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
One of the best
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
OMG 🤣🤣
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Isn’t