Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
everyone’s a critic
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you