They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*