No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.