o shit
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My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.