A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*weighs self after shaving
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The funk soul brother
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
😲 WTF? 😆
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
my one true gender
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.