Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.