Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.