“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on