flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything