Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
You Might Also Like
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
cause of death:
autopsy.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol