I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
🤣😂🤣
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.