I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.