[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁