Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
taking June’s advice to heart
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext