spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
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Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Best seat on the street 😍
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”