they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.