“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
doing your own taxes
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
me
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes