“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.