Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”