Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
You Might Also Like
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
so much to do
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.