“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.