“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Meanwhile in Portland…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device