saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.