Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.