Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no