The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.