My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
(Electricians.)
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from