If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.