People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
The best plant holders?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses