If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!