Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.