I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
That’s it.I’m out.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp