[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.