My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Every haunted house movie:
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.