Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
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girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?